Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Trying to get pregnant is very difficult ..........

I've been very unhappy for the past few days.
I was ovulating since last Sat but RY was not insterested to be intimate with me.
My doc had recommended that I tried naturally to get pregnant during the last visit.

I didnt dare to tell RY about my ovulation as I didnt want to stress him.
Thru out the TTC journey of the last 4/ 5 years, we'd quarrelled over this.
I had tried telling him about my ovulation and he would be very upset since he had to get into bed to try to make me pregnant, and many times he couldnt perform and we'd be unhappy which strained our relationship.

Last sunday night, I tried to ask him to turn to bed early (hoping that we can BD), but he shouted at me asked me to go away so that he can be alone in the study room.
I was very upset and refused to talk to him on Monday morning.
I had missed the "window" period to get pregnant and I feel "unwanted".
On Monday morning, I'd suggested a divorce since he doesnt seem to want or need me.
He certainly doesnt show any concern about me

Last evening, he apologised to me telling me he was sorry for shouting at me.
I told him, I'm angry not just because of the shouting, it was because he's lacked of concerned.
Every night he'll shut himself in the study room while I stay alone either in the living or the bedroom.
I feel rejected and dont feel the love from him.

I went to the clinic to collect the anti-biotics to get rid of my gastirc bacteria as I was thinking since there's no hope of pregnancy this month, I might as well start the course of anti-biotics now.

RY fetched me from clinic to mum's place for dinner and we didnt talk.

As usual, after dinner when we got home, he shut himself in the study room and leave me alone.

I was upset and my mind was spinning with the thoughts that we're not meant for each other.

I looked out of the window and sudenly feel like going to the garden for a walk.

I changed me sleeping attire and leave the house and walked to the garden.
RY didnt follow me.

I was all by myself in the garden and pondering over my pregnancy journey and the 3 m/cs.
I cried over my 3 losses ........ my 3 poor babies.

It's really difficult to get pregnant and have baby!
My husband is not cooperative and he only make love to me when he wants it and most of the time he'll shut himself away from me, especially during the critical ovulation time. 
Maybe he thinks IVF can help and I only need to jab myself and go to the operating theatre to have baby.
I've gone thru 2 IVF fresh cycles and a FET and it's really no fun and full of sorrow and misery.
The multiple hormone jabs, scanning, blood test, as well as the wait of news to proceed to the various stages, egg retriever, embryo transfer and the 2 weeks wait of pregancy HCG blood test resilt is very stressful and taunting to the body/ mind.

I went back home about 20 mins later and RY was already in bed.

RY hugged me and initiated intimacy.
I'm not sure if he'll dumped me aside tonight and shut himself away from me ............

Come next month during the ovulation period, I think I may feel the blues again ......... sad over missing the chance to try to get preggy.

My next visit to the gynae is mid-Nov and should he ask me if I've tried naturally, I'll tell him "NO" and if he ask why I didnt try, I may tell him the truth "My husband doesnt want me ............"

Trying to get pregnant is really tough and I'm not sure if I can perservere and also for how long ...........

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