Monday, August 31, 2009

Seasme Oil Chicken

Sesame Oil Chiicken

Fresh ginger - lots of ginger
2 pieces of chix thigh
brown sugar
sesame oil
fresh garlic
oyster sauce
soya sauce
salt & white sugar

clean and slice ginger - thin slice
remove chix skin and as much fats as possble and chop into smaller pieces (easier to be cooked)
marinate chix with mushroom oyster sauce, soya sauce, garlic, salt and some sugar

Heat up wok
Add sesame oil
Fry ginger -add brown sugar & salt
Add chix thigh and stir fry
Add water and cover the wok

Enjoy cooking

I think I enjoyed cooking very much.
I enjoy watching RY finish up the food that I cook.

I'm not a good cook and have never gone for any cooking class nor learn from any cook book ........
I've horned my cooking skill thru observation.
I've been observing my mum and sis when they cook.

My mum always said it's important for a women to know how to cook so that she can feed herself and her family.

These few days, I've experimented new dishes and RY said it's nice.
In future, I'll try to take some photos to post it here so that I can remember.

Its enjoyable watch RY finish the food.
This afternoon, the yee mee that I cooked was finished by him and he said it taste better then those sold outside.
This remark has made my day.

My wish is to quit work and care for my family - husband and children.
I remembered telling RY 10 years ago that I wanna be a housewife - I've longed to care for my children.

I'm looking forward to that day to come.
Family is most important and career to me is secondary.

What have I been eating last few days after the D&C?

Last Fri, went to mum for dinner (simple food like veg and fish) and she boiled black chix with red dates/ woolfberries & dang sheng.

On Sat, morning had veg mee hoon and lunch RY bought western set lunch (pasta with grilled fish & pork chop with fries).  Dinner was home cooked food - American ginseng soup with chix, french beans with dried scallops and baked mushrooms.

On Sun, brough mum to eat Tiong Bahru bao in Jurong East.
Lunch - I cooked udong with mushroom (added wooldberries & red dates to make soup base) and sesame chix and hand made meat balls.
Dinner - steam red snapper, fried cai xin and boiled dang gui soup

This morning I had bread with kaya and a glass of ensure beverage as breakfast.
Lunch (RY came home to join me so I decided to cook yee mee soup) - put Ikan bilis cube & dried scallops for the soup base, added cai xin, meat balls and 2 eggs to the yee mee.
Baked mushrooms for lunch too.
Dinner - mum not cooking and I also dont feel like cooking so RY will tah pau cai fan.
I still have some left over dang gui soup from last night, so will heat it up to drink later.

Oh for the last few days, I've been making red dates + wolfberries + dang sheng + longang drink.
I was told that I need to bu qi and this red dates drink is good for my healing.

I guess should be bread for breakfast.
Lunch should be old chang kee curry puff - I'm going to do hair hena tomorrow late morning so will need to tah pau something to eat inside the salon.
But I'll bring my red dates drink with me.

Is it a Taboo to announce about pregancy during the 1st Trimester?

Last night I e-mailed my boss that I'm on 1 week medical leave and this morning he sms me to check how I am.
I hesitated but finally replied his msg that "I'd lost my baby and did a surgery last Fri.  Trying to recover from both physical and emotional pain".
I guess he understands how I feel and didnt send me any more message after that.

My boss knew about my pregnancy earlier as I was given long sick leave.
Initially I didnt want to tell anyone about my preg as it's a taboo to disclose within the 1st trimester.
No choice, since he's my boss, he has the right to know the reason of my long medical leave, so I've to tell.

My mum, sis and in-laws also knew about my pregnancy.
How they know?
RY had been asking my mum to boil black chix soup for 2 weeks (when I was spotting) and I also behave very careful so they suspected that I was preg but I didnt tell them the truth.
My mum & sis have been hinting about the dos and donts or preggy women to me .........

How about my in-laws?
We'd met up the in-laws in KL 4 weeks ago and that time I was spotting despite the progesterone jab done in SG the day before.
So out of fear, I asked RY to check with SIL/ BIL if they know any hospital which can administer progesterone jab to me.
Immediately they realised what is happening and my BIL and MIL/ FIL accompanied us to a hospital in KL.
The KL doc informed that since I already had a jab the day before, they cant give me another jab again - over dosage is no good.
My MIL consoled me and told me if its a unhealthy pregnancy, just let it go since its no point holding on to it.
She asked me how many weeeks I was preg, so I told her I was 6 weeks going into 7th.

So that's how everybody knows about my pregnancy.

I dont know how to inform them about my loss now ..........

My previous 2 pregnancy, RY and myself had kept it to ourselves but I also lost my babies at week 7 and 10 respectively.............
This time, with people knowing about my preg, I still lose it.

So conclusion being, it doesnt matter if tell or dont, since the outcome seem to be the same.
But it's easier to manage when its kept secret when there's any loss, as there's no need to explain anything to anyone.

Would I announce my next pregnancy during the 1st tri?
I guess I'll play by ear, and will not deny or keep it a secret deliberately.
I'm praying for a healthy and viable pregnancy, I'm still yawning to carry my baby in my arm ..........
Pls grant me my wish.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Gastric Pain

I had gastric problem since 9 years old - Pri 3.
I remembered it was during English Class and I was having very bad pain and it was so unbearable that I nearly fainted.
My form teacher carried me to the nearest polyclinic for consultation.
She then brought me back to school and called my mum to fetch me home.

How I got gastric pain at such a young age?
I dont know why but since then I've this problem till now...........

Today after lunch I felt the pain is coming back, I knew this agony will persist for a few days .....
I'm just worried that it'll be so unbearable that I cant sleep tonight.
RY suspected that this is due to the anti-biotic given after my surgery - supposed to take 2 times a day for a week.

I'd done scooping 2 years ago and a kind of bacteria was found and I was told to start a couse of anti-biotics to kill them.  As I was planning to get preggy, I ignored this problem.
Since I've m/c, maybe it's time I go to doc to re-visit this gastric issue.

Surgery Day - 28 Aug 2009

Yesterday was my surgery day.

Wake up at 6am, boiled water to make myself red dates, gou chi, longang & dang sheng drink (put in thermal flask to put in car).
Send e-mail to boss to inform about the being sick and not able to go to work on Fri (I didnt inform in advance of the surgery) and set out-of-office notice.

Leave home at 7.25am as RY was delayed (wake up late and need to reply biz e-mails).

Arrived hospital at 8.05am and rush to the AMC clinic for a scan to confirm that bb is not developed & no heartbeat before I do my Day Surgery admission.

There was a ang moh lady ahead of me and I got Q no. 2 but as I've the scheduled scanning form, the clinic assistant send me for the scan instead.
She 1st did adominal scan and she told me the image is not clear so she told RY to leave the room and prepare me for a vagina scan.

She scanned for nearly 10 mins and she went to asked for a senior staff to confirm her observation.

In her report she said "no obvious yolk sac and fetal pole and heartbeat detected.  Fibroids of 4cm detected and the ovary is not clearly seen"
This is a depressing report.
However, I just went ahead to Day Surgery to register my admission.

I've finished my registration at 9am and went inside the surgery waiting area to change and get ready.

This time I ealised the Day Surgery has improved, every bed has a TV and I can even select HBO programme.
After changing into the surgery gown, I waited patiently for the doc to insert the needle for the drip.
It was about 9.15am.
At 9.30am, the cervagam table was inserted into the vagina - an indian female doc did it for me.
The purpose is to dilate the cervix so that the uterus will be easiy accessible when the doc perform the evac surgery.

After the insertion of the tablet, I was not allowed to go toilet for 2hrs.
At 11.30am, a nurse came to tell me that my dr was engaged in an emergency surgery and he can only come operate me at 13.50pm, I was shocked, usually by 12pm it should b done, but due to the delay, it means I've to remain hungry for 2 more hours.
I've no choice but to ask for a phone to call RY to inform him not to come to hospital in the early afternoon (initially we were told the surgery should be done & over by 1pm), instead come at about 3 or 4pm.

I waited till about 12.30pm then I requested to go toilet (stomach was cramping intermittenly but there was no bleeding).
Then at 1pm, a nurse suddenly cam eover to inform that Dr is able to operate on me and they quickly wheel me in my bed to the operating theatre (last time during Feb09 & Jul08, I remembered having to walk to the surgery theatre myself and sit on a chair waiting for my turn - there's improvement now).

But at the doorstep of the surgery theatre, I was told to walk inside and climb onto the surgery table.
We waited and tried calling for the Dr, but the feedback was he needed another 10 mins.
The nurse appologised to me saying that his 10 mins may be double.
In fact at 1.25mins then they received the call that doc is waking towards the op theatre now so the anaethesia quickly put me to sleep.
When the medication get into the vein in my hand, it's really painful, plus the stomach cramp, it was really unbearable.
I was also praying that everything is fine and bb will be resting well in heaven.
I remembered telling the nurse, I wanna end this pain soon .......... then I was knocked off ...........

I think I was awaken at about 1.45pm and the nurse told me the surgery was over, I said "thank you" and then cried for my baby ............. I tears rolled down from my eyes and the nurse wiped it away and asked my not to think about it anymore.

They told me to go back to sleep, but I cant sleep and merely close my eyes to rest.

At about 2.30pm, they sent me to the resting area to feed me milo and some biscuit.
I watched some HBO TV and at the same time checking on my medical leave.
Initially hospitalisation leave given was only 1 day to cover the Fri but I requested to rest for 1 week as I'm no sure if I'm ready emotionally to go to work on Monday.

Then the nurse informed that RY is already here and waiting to fetch me home, so they let me change and remove the needle from my hand.
I was told not to engage in any activities which may hurt myself for 2 weeks - for instanct no sex or exercise.
I hope RY is not too disappointed on the sex part ...............

We reached home at about 4.30pm.
RY was sweet, he actually came home earlier to boild black soup for me ..........
I rested tll about 5.30pm to take my bath and drank the black chix soup (shared half with RY as mum also made the same soup for me for dinner).

Went to mum's place for dinner at 7pm and back at 8pm.
I fell asleep at 9.30pm ............ missed my favourite HK serial on TCS8 ...........

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Kelly Chen : Lover's Concerto

I just recalled my wedding march-in song (2nd march-in in evening gown)

Kelly Chen : Lover's Concerto

How gentle is the rain
That falls softly on the meadow
Birds high up in the trees
Serenade the clouds with their melody
Oh! See there beyond the hills
The bright colors of the rainbow
Some magic from above
Made this day for us
Just to fall in love

You hold me in your arms
And say once again you love me
And if your love is true
Everything will be just as wonderful
Now, I belong to you
From this day until forever
Just love me tenderly
And I'll give to you
Every part of me

Oh! Don't ever make me cry
Through long lonely nights without love
Be always true to me
Keep this day in your heart eternally
You hold me in your arms
And say once again you love me
And if your love is true
Everything will be just as wonderful

Another song I like

Vincent (Starry Starry Night) Lyrics

Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now

Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand what you tried to say to me

How you suffered for your sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will.

I like this song!

I was watching this HK TV serial shown on TCS 8 and this song was played:

My Love Will Get You Home
By Christine Glass

If you wander off too far, my love will get you home.
If you follow the wrong star, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If the bright lights blinds your eyes, my love will get you home.
If your troubles break your stride, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever feel ashamed, my love will get you home.
When there's only you to blame, my love will get you home.
If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home.

If you ever find yourself, lost and all alone,
get back on your feet and think of me, my love will get you home.
Boy, my love will get you home,
Boy, my love will get you home.

Eve of D&C Surgery

This afternoon at 3pm, hospital called to inform about the surgery preparation.

I was told to fast after 12 mid-night and to reach the hospital before 8am to scan to confirm that there's no bb heartbeat.
Once confirmed, I'm supposed to go to Day Surgery to do admission exercise.

I've already set the alarm at 6am and target to leave house at 7am tomorrow for hospital.

It's a mixed feeling now .........
On one hand I do hope to quickly complete the D&C so that I can move on, on the other hand, the thought of losing my bb inside me is rather sad .........
At least I can still self proclaimed to be a preggy lady till the D&C is done .........

The thought of going thru the D&C the 3rd time is also scary ......... a tablet will be inserted into the vaginal, then there'll be some bleeding, then cramp etc ....... then gotta sit and wait for min 1.5 hrs before I get to be operated........... gotta walk to the operating theatre, then climb up the op table and wait for the doc to jab me and put me to sleep .............

I remembered the last 2 D&C, when I wake up from the anaesthesia, my 1st reaction was to I touch my tummy and cried as I realised that I've lost my little beanie ............ very sad.......
I wonder if tomorrow will be the same.

Why do I've to do this surgery again?
I'm scared.
Only those who've gone thru it sill understand my fear .............

He finally asked about my blog

This evening on our way to mum's place for dinner, RY (hubby) finally asked about my blog and expressed his interest to read what I've written.

After some consideration, I said "Yes".
So I'll be sending him the link to my blog.

I wonder what he thinks about my blog ........

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

How to be Happy?

When I was young, its easy to be happy - go holiday, meeting up friends, having good meals, buying a pair of new shoes, a bag or dress can make me really happy.
But all these dont seem to make me thrilled and excited anymore, in fact for the last 2 years, I hardly purchase anything (so I've made substantial savings).

I feel that I've missed something to complete my life.
I need a complete family - husband and children.........
I think I can only attain true happiness when I carry my baby in my arm ..........

I had short term happiness when I was tested +ve for pregnancy thrice ........
I put on a lot of weight after my 2nd pregnancy - from 47kg to 50kg and another 2 kg during the 3rd .......
Being a vain gal, it's hard for me to put on weight - I'm a exercise freak who jogs 3 times a week for 4-5km distant each time.
When I knew that I was pregnant, I stopped my exercise routine and eat alot (pregnancy hormones makes me hungry all the time).
I was happy and didnt mind putting on extra weight as I believe this is for my baby.

Looking at friends around me already have children (2 or more), while I'm still struggling to try to have my 1st, it's really heart breaking ......... age is cathing up and my biological clock is tickling ........... I'm anxious to have my baby.

God, why take away my 3 babies away from me?
Please let my 3 poor babies rest in peace in heaven.

I'm still hopeful for that day to come - to be wheeled to the labour ward to give birth to my baby, hearing him/ her break the 1st cry and hug/ kiss him/ her (it doesnt matter girl or boy, as long as the baby is healthy and normal) .......
I believe I can be a good mother and will nurture and protect my child.
Please grant me my wish to be a true mother who can breast feed, change diaper, wash/ clean/ feed/ educate my adorable child.

I believe that day will come.
I just need to be patient ............

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Should I share this blog with Hubby?

After 3 m/c, I've finally decided to start blogging ........... to pen my thoughts and feelings ........
I find it quite hard to recollect what happened last Jul when I did my 1st D&C and the 2nd on my wedding anninversary in Feb09 ..........

Do you believe that within a short time span of slightly over 1 year, I had experienced 3 pregnancy joy and losses?

I've decided to try to document down as much as I can, from 24 Aug onwards ..........
I'll try to recollect as much as I can to write it down ..........

I'm still thinking if I should share this blog with hubby or keep this to myself ......

I've actually informed him last night about my new blog and he didnt ask any further ......
I guess only if he ask about it then I'll consider sharing with him ......

Why is this happening again?

Last Sat 22 Aug, I was feeling really nervous as we've to meet up the gynae to check if he can detect baby's heartbeat .......
I was awake at 3am and cant sleep till 6am, then finally nap till 7am ........ I was wondering why cant I have a good night of sleep........
Then I think subconciously I must be feeling stressed due to the gynae appointment - the verdict about my pregnancy.

I told the doc that I had no spotting for > 1 week (2 weeks ago I was spotting and had 2 progesterone jab in an interval of 3 days) and he proceeded to do the ultra-sound scan ..........
He said he still cant see the bb's heartbeat at week 8 eventho the waterbag is still growing.

He told us most probably the foetues didnt develope.
He had advised me to do D&C on the following Monday but I told him I prefer Fri instead.
He also told me to stopped all medications - progesterone & oestrogen etc ....... which I take 2 times a day.

He asked if I want to do a lap test after the D&C, and I told him I'm not sure and ask what does he recommend.
He said since the 2nd m/c lap test result showed that it was chomosome issue (down syndrome) he reckon this should be the same and no test is required.

I'm amazed at how calm I was!
The reason why I postphone to Fri due to work commitment, I've to submit the various month end reports by Thurs, so from Fri onwards then I can "disappear" from office.

Hubby was upset that I delayed till Fri, maybe he's afraid that I may suffer from the cramps once I stopped the medication.

From Sat till Sun, I didnt take the homone supplement and I was feeling some cramps.
As I need to go to work on Mon till Thurs, I've decided to take the pills so that the cramp would stop - with the intake of progesterone, the body still "think" that I'm pregnant and will not try to expel the sac.
But I'll stop taking the pill from Thurs nite onwards ...........

Monday, August 24, 2009

Get Ready for my Loss ..... 24 Aug 2009

I've finally picked up the courage to accept my loss - yes the loss of my baby .......

In fact it's my 3rd precious ........... 3rd loss ........

I've cried last night over my loss and has real puffy eyes.

It doesnt help that I need to go to work looking so horrible.

But what the hack, I'm not going for any beauty peagent.

Just wash up and go to work.

I also met hubby for lunch so that we can go to Eu Yang Sang to get some medical herbs for my consumption after the D&C this Fri.